#she would be the galaxy’s hottest lesbian

[unabashedllamamusic]

Jagged Fel should have been a butch lesbian. Discuss.

[deadbonessinderhellaton]

People have such strange attitudes toward aliens.

@monsterkinkmeme

Based off of this prompt.

Rating: G/Citrus

Characters: Female character x female alien, there’s a nosy coworker being nosy too.

Summary: Every time that Abby tells her coworkers about the vacations to far off places that her girlfriend takes her to, they always panic and start throwing the word ‘abduction’ around. 

Warnings: Police mention, kidnapping mention, but I promise that nothing bad happens except for a passive aggressive coworker trying and failing to be obnoxious, I should also let you know that the alien gf only shows up near the end as a text, but she’s the focus of the two characters’ conversation.

ao3

~~~

“So let me get this straight: last Saturday, an alien abducted you and took you to Pluto.”

Abby shook her head yes as she sipped her cup of water. “Yeah, just last week. Saalgaax and I had been planning a long weekend there for a while now.” She looked up, lost in thought. “I could have sworn I told you after I sent in my time off form,” she started in her slow, languid tone. “But then again, maybe I forgot to.” She was almost positive that everyone in her office knew that she and Saalgaax were dating. Then again, it was a big office - the Agency of Intergalactic Relations needed the space. From negotiating peace treaties between species to coordinating PR events, the Agency oversaw everything related to every way that humans and extraterrestrials could interact with each other. With her serving as one of the Agency’s Investigators, and Saalgaax on the Intergalactic Defense Force, there was no way the Agency couldn’t be aware of their relationship.

Lowry sighed. “Maybe I can make myself a little clearer for you,” she said. “Saalgaax the Deathbringer - the six foot, purple, multi-armed, musclebound alien who destroyed the black hole that was threatening the Great Magellanic Cloud - took you, a person to Pluto, a planet that is not Earth, in her large alien spaceship. That’s not a vacation, that’s an abduction from straight out of the movies.”

Abby shot a glance at Lowry. Some had called it odd that the Regulations office manager was always hanging around the Investigation department instead of her own, or how she had other people do tasks for her instead of her direct reports, or the way she expressed interest in knowing as much as she could regarding staff’s private lives, but Abby figured that everyone had their own special way of relating to others, just like everyone else. Regardless, her confusion registered to Abby as a bit odd, considering their line of work. “If a willing person gets into a vehicle with another, it’s not an abduc-”

Lowry jabbed an accusatory finger into Abby’s face. “That’s not the point here. You said you were going on vacation with your girlfriend. You said nothing about being abducted by an alien and heading to a foreign planet.”

She leaned against the water cooler and groaned. “And there’s the rub. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Pluto’s beaches were beautiful, and Saalgaax and I had the best time there, it’s just that-” Abby paused, searching for the right words. “I was just so worried that I wasn’t giving her anything in return, you know? I mean, I only make so much money as an Investigator. Right now, I could never afford to buy her tickets to far off destinations, or jewelry made from Carloxian singing rock like she does for me.” Abby laughed nervously and pushed a curl behind her ear. “It made me feel like I was being a bit of a...a mooch.”

“You were worried,” Lowry said dryly. “About being a mooch.”

Abby nodded sadly. “Every good relationship needs equal give and take, you know? I told Saal that sometime after we got back last week.” A smile crept up her face. “And she was so sweet about it. She was all like, ‘Baby, you’re not freeloading, I’m doing this because I want to spend time with you at sickass places. That’s why I earn all that money destroying the black holes that threaten the galaxy - so I can spend my off time stretching out on a beautiful purple sand beach with the hottest girl this side of the Oort Cloud.’ And then,” she continued. “I got a little choked up and was all like, “Saalii, that is literally the sweetest thing that anyone has ever said to me, like the nicest thing, and that I’d be just as happy with her on a picnic blanket down at Forrester Park as I would be on a beach in Pluto, or anywhere else, really.’” She beamed at her coworker. “Is it not the nicest thing you’ve ever heard?”

Lowry rolled her eyes. “For someone in Investigation,” she said pityingly. “I’m surprised that you didn’t catch onto Saalgaax’s motives earlier. Maybe you’re suited to a better department?” She continued without waiting for Abby’s reply. “Taking you to other planets, buying you expensive gifts - that sounds an awful lot like she’s fattening you up for the slaughter, or-or bribing her way into your heart to learn Earth’s secrets so she can attack our planet.”

“That doesn’t really sound like her style, to be fair. She’s part of the IDF’s Black Hole Corps, so she’s more likely to blow up one of those than one of us.”

She pulled her phone out of her pocket and began dialing, muttering under her breath the whole while. “Oh, she only blows up black holes, that gives me such confidence. You call this little charade whatever you want, but I’ll call it for what it really is.” She pressed her phone to her ear, lips squeezed thin with intent. “Hello, police? I’d like to report a kidnapping.”

Abby sighed wistfully, beaming at the memory. “You know, I knew Saal would say something like that, but hearing it from her, it just made sense, you know? I mean, yeah, she spends a lot of money on me, but everyone shows their love in different ways, and that’s hers.” She turned to look at Lowry. “We even talked a little bit about it, and she was all like ‘Baby, I can totally meet you in the middle. The Roberta Museum has a foreign film night on the lawn that you’d really like,’ and I got so excited because she remembered that I love foreign films.”

“Yeah, it was last Saturday, the 14th, around-” Lowry looked at Abby. “About what time did you leave last week?”

“Um...four o’ clock?”

“Four o’ clock, with a human woman by the name of Abigail Barthelemy being taken by a Saalgaax the Deathbri- why are you laughing?” A pause. “What do you mean, ‘everyone knows?’ Don’t you dare hang up on-”

The distant buzz of a dial tone echoed out from Lowry’s phone. With a snarl, she hung up and stomped away, muttering poisonously. Abby barely noticed - her own phone buzzed and sang out. She’d recognize the tone anywhere - she and Saalgaax had spent a night flipping through ringtones, singling out the ones that they liked and making fun of the truly terrible ones. The one that outranked its siblings - both in catchiness and cheesiness - was the ones that they set for each other’s notifications.

>>hey

>>thought about what u said last week about a picnic at forrester park.

Another text, this time accompanied by a photo of wine bottles on a grocery shelf.

>>how about u n me n a bottle of wine this sunday?

Abby couldn’t text back fast enough.

>> That sounds wonderful! I have just the right kind of cheese and crackers to go with it, too.

>> We can leave around three there, get there at four?

>>sounds perfect

>>its a date <3

~~~

Me: wow I have a lot of obligations to take care of huh

Also me: now’s a good time to write lesbian alien funtimes

[rainofaugustsith]

*sends a star ⭐️* 🙂

Thank you! Another chance to ramble on about my fanfic. I really appreciate it! :) I'll talk about this passage from Ten Tricks to Please your Lover. Viri and Lana are enjoying a quiet night at home, just knitting (Lana) and reading (Viri), and they end up being very snarky about an article in the magazine Viri is reading. It was inspired in part by a widely reported gaffe from Cosmopolitan magazine several years back. Cosmo printed an article that featured sex positions for wlw, but they were, um, a little...yeah. This article sums it up: http://www.curvemag.com/Culture/Cosmo-Convinces-Lesbians-to-Hospitalise-Themselves-in-28-Sex-Positions-Article-126/ Anyway, I thought Lana and Viri would find something like that - and some of the other stories that appear in magazines that are essentially variations of "10 Ways to Make a Man Like You" - highly amusing and would have fun things to say about it. Later in the piece, I also wanted to show just how comfortable they are with each other, and how they have incorporated things like the color system into their everyday intimacy without it being a big deal at all.  *** 

Lana tilts the datapad toward her and raises her eyebrows when she sees the text on the screen.

“’Become the hottest lover in the galaxy…’ What is this?”

“It’s the new issue of Galactic Woman. It’s hilarious!” Viri chortles.

”You read Galactic Woman now?” Lana says, surprised.

”No. Not really. One of the troopers told me they were reviewing that makeup I wanted. The review was good. The rest of this, though…these sex tips…you should see these positions they suggest.”

“Let me see,” Lana says, taking the datapad. “Pffft. Nothing new here. Except for this one, and that one, but I don’t think that either those are anatomically possible.”

“What the hell is happening in that one with the chair and the ladder?” Viri giggles and gestures to one of the diagrams.

Lana squints at the illustration. “I think one of us would get a concussion if we tried that.”

Viri looks over her shoulder and flips the magazine to another page. “This one is even worse. I’m flexible, but…”

”Are they having sex or doing a contortion act?” Lana snorts with laughter. “Oh yes, I’m completely turned on by seeing my lover touch her knees to her nose while all the blood rushes to her head.”

”Really?” Viri gets off the couch and struts in front of Lana. “I can in fact touch my knees to my nose. Shall I do so for your enjoyment?”

”Ooh, that’s hot,” Lana snickers, pulling Viri back to the couch by the waistband of her pajama pants. “Get back here, silly. Keep me warm.”

”Of course,” Viri grins, perching on Lana’s lap and peering at the datapad.

Lana’s eyebrow raises as she reads the next section. “’Spread honey on your lover’s chest and’…honey? What?! Do they have any idea how sticky that would be?! Have they never heard of whipped cream or chocolate, for Force’s sake?!”

”Better hope there aren’t any bees nearby,” Viri snickers.

”They don’t even have muju pears on here,” Lana mutters, scrolling down. “Not a single actual aphrodisiac.”

“You’re an aphrodisiac,” Viri murmurs, kissing Lana’s cheek.

”Flatterer,” Lana whispers, but her face is flushed. Viri’s hand is slowly creeping across her waist. “I’m trying to read.”

”So read to me,” Viri whispers, kissing her neck.